Communiqué from the Bishops of the United Western Church (UWC), the United Church of the Seventy-Four Eastern Denominations (UC74ED), the Worship Leaders of the Independent Network of Churches (WLINC), the Blesséd Christian Churches of the Equatorial Nations (BCCEN), and St Biggles the Airborne, Hemel Hempstead, UK (SBAHHUK).
Date: 27 January, 2203 ce
This past week has seen the five major Christian global networks of churches meet for the Third Ecumenical Council of Humpty Doo in Australia’s Northern Territory. The occasion for meeting was to revise the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed of ad 381 in light of massive and significant societal changes that render its theology meaningless to all but a few independent fundamentalist churches in the panhandle of the South-Eastern States of America and the Republic of Texas, and the Independent Christian Counties of Sussex and Kent in Western Europe. Such changes include:
· the conviction that God’s role in galactic matters is limited to a sympathetic observer of all that transpires;
· the standardization of in-vitro fertilization techniques to effect progeny;
· the elimination of precisely defined concepts of parenthood;
· the recognition that each human has a special role to play for the good of humanity; and
· the absence of belief in any sort of afterlife beyond the iDeath memory app.
In light of these widespread socio-theological changes, the Third Council of Humpty Doo acknowledges that while the Church catholic historically has confessed faith in God as portrayed by the Creed of 381, the vast majority of individual Christians today do not and cannot confess faith in this way. This means the Church catholic finds itself in the unusual position of confessing a faith that nobody believes. Thus the Council has authorized the following revision of the Creed of 381:
The Creed of Humpty Doo, 2203 ce
An Authorized Revision of the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed of ad 381
We recognize that some still believe in one God,
whom we call the Donor, the All-watching,
the initiator of heaven and earth,
of all that is,
seen and whatever might be unseen.
We recognize that some still believe Jesus Christ is Lord,
whom we hold is the best of all the Donor’s progeny,
who epitomizes the perfect God–human relationship
to which we all aspire;
yes, because of him, we are inspired to aspire.
For us and for our inspiration he was born under the heavens,
kept in step with the breath of God, loved his surrogate (serendipitously, a virgin),
and grew up to be a fine man.
For a variety of reasons he was crucified by the Evil Roman Empire;
he fainted but was mistakenly buried.
On the third day his disciples revived him
in accordance with the good practice of the day;
metaphorically, he ascended into heaven
and is seated (again, metaphorically) at the right hand of the Donor.
His mythical return in glory shows us that good triumphs over evil,
and that love will win the day.
We recognize that some still believe in the Holy Spirit,
which we feel is the breath of God,
the seed of the Donor impregnating all things with life,
and which is to be regarded as our life force.
We believe that the one holy catholic and apostolic Church
is in fact an inclusive organism made up of every person, regardless of creed, colour, or even assent.
We acknowledge for reasons unknown that baptism is a Good Thing for our progeny.
We look for the dearly departed to live on in our hearts and on iDeath,
and for successful iDeath uploading ceremonies.
The Creed of Humpty Doo (2203 ce) is authorized for immediate use. A poll will be taken in early 2208 to ascertain the Creed’s acceptance and use among the churches. Each member of each member-church of the churches represented at the Third Council of Humpty Doo will have opportunity to vote for his, her, or its favourite part of the Creed at this time. All those parts of the Creed that do not have at least a seventy per cent approval rating are likely to be rejected the Fifth Ecumenical Council of Middelfart, Denmark, to be held in June 2210.
So may the grace of the Donor-initiator’s best progeny, the pleasing warmth of the Donor-initiator, and the network-building strategies of the Donor-initiator’s seed-breath be with us all until our memories are uploaded to iDeath. Amen.