Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Tired of Sinning? Try the New xp8 App Today

I am gratified and delighted to see so many people are watching me live. I’m pleased you’re willing to set aside time to access my site now rather than just wait for the download. At the risk of sounding sentimental, it warms my heart. It warms my heart to know that I’m not just an image in the corner of your eye, but that you regard me as someone who actually has something to say to you, something worthwhile. And believe me: What I am going to tell you today is going to change your life. It will change the lives of your family and friends. And it has the potential to change the lives of everyone – absolutely everyone – in the world.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me ask you all a question: How many of you watching me live today are tired of sinning? How many of you are tired of wrestling with the same old sins? How many of you are tired of waking up in the morning and despairing of having to keep your inner demons under control? How many of you are tired of waking up, knowing that you’ll struggle to keep your lustful thoughts in check; to contain your rage and anger; to refrain from filling your bodies with junk food and alcohol; to make decisions based not on prejudice and selfishness and greed, but from a godly character? How many of you are tired of sinning? Let me see your hands. One, two, three – my goodness, I’m losing count here. It looks like all of you are tired of sinning!

So what can we do about it? The Lord assures us that when we confess our sins, he will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness; that’s 1 John 1:9, and it’s good news, the greatest news. Praise Jesus for his forgiveness and salvation! But is there a way we can stop sinning altogether so we don’t need to treat the blood of Jesus like some kind of safety net spread out to catch us when we fall? Is there really a way we can stop sinning altogether? Of course not . . .

Only now there is! There is a way to stop sinning altogether, and that’s what I’m here to talk about today. And as I’ve already said, what I’m going to tell you today will change your life. It will change the lives of everyone you know. And it has the potential to change the lives of everyone in the world.

You all know Holy Spiritech, my software division, don’t you? Well, Holy Spiritech has developed a new app. Some of you are laughing, and I dare say that some of you laughing are mocking me. How can an app change the world? Wars change the world. Political and economic movements change the world. And, true, technology and sometimes even software change the world. But an app? How can a single app change the world? Well, I’ll tell you. This app will change the world because it will stop you sinning. Yes, you heard right: this new app will stop you sinning.

Those of you who know your Bibles or who know your theology will be aware of the concept of ‘expiation’, of the wiping away of sin. And that’s what the new xp8 app will do. It will wipe away your sin. But it will wipe your sin away in the most effective and efficient way possible.

You see, Holy Spiritech has come up with a way for you to wipe away the thoughts and desires that lead to sin. James 1 says that when desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin. You know what I mean. When we look at a beautiful woman and have immoral thoughts, or when we fantasise about our well-toned neighbour wining and dining us, we know that we are tempted to sin and have sinned. And, sadly, some of us will indulge our sin and go even further than our thoughts allow. Desire gives birth to sin, and eventually we all end up in a vicious cycle of sin-and-repent, sin-and-repent, sin-and-repent. And that’s why we’re all so very tired of sinning. We’re caught in this vicious cycle of sin-and-repent, and we can’t do anything about it but fight the good but tiring fight. But suppose we didn’t have to wage war against our fleshly desires. Suppose we had the ability to wipe away even the desire that gives birth to sin. How great, how awesome, would that be? You wouldn’t look at a beautiful woman and have immoral thoughts, because you’d have no sinful desire for her. And you wouldn’t want to abandon yourself to a romantic fantasy, because you’d have no selfish desire to pander to your own whims. You would have an utterly godly character – just like the Lord Jesus who committed no sin.

This is why we need Holy Spiritech’s new xp8 app, because the xp8 app is designed to wipe away our sinful desires before they give birth to sin. Isn’t that great? Imagine it: all our besetting sins, all those urges we struggle to control day by day, gone in an instant, with a quick mental deletion of our desires. Say you struggle with lust or with greed or with power: all you need to do is use the xp8 app to locate the neurological origins of these desires and then use xp8 to wipe it away. And then they’re gone! No more lust! No more greed! No more power-abuse! And, most importantly, no more sin-and-repent vicious cycle! You’re free! It is for freedom that Christ – and Holy Spiritech’s xp8 app – has set you free!

It sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? I know. I know. But trust me, xp8 works! All you need to do is download the xp8 app to your neuro-interface. And once you’ve blinked it on, you’ll have access to a menu listing all your desires, and you’ll be able to wipe away those ones the Bible calls sinful, thus freeing you to pursue the godly desires. With the xp8 app, you need never sin again! And if no-one ever sins again, there’ll be no more abuse of God’s grace, no more cheap grace – and no more wars, no more crime, no more corruption, no more divorce, no more abortion, no more rape, no more – well, you get the idea. No more sin!

Before I field your questions about the xp8 app, let me say one final thing. In ages past, the saints of God had to learn patience and discipline the hard way, over time and with firm resolve. But Holy Spiritech, my software division, has developed a way of bypassing all that so the effects of godly discipline are instant. That’s the promise of the xp8 app. And that’s why the xp8 app has the potential to change everyone in the world, because it will turn sinners into the saints God wants them, wants you, to be in the literal blink of an eye. If you’re tired of sinning, try the new xp8 app – today!

Thank you for your time. Any questions?


  1. xp8... see what you did there... nice ;)

    Speaking on behalf of my son, this would make the basis of a great Doctor Who episode...

    So, an app that eliminates sinful desire... can it be customised according to personal theological/ethical viewpoint or is it one-size-fits-all?

    I wonder how many people would actually buy such an app were it to become available...

    1. I googled 'xp8' just to make sure there wasn't already something out there with that name. Turns out xp8 are also an Italian futurepop band!

      One of the conceits of this little story is that it presupposes some kind of connection between human mental processes and digital technology. If such a thing ever happens in the way the story hints at, then I suppose there's no end to what can be up/downloaded. Imagine it: you could have 'read' all the literary classics in the world by virtue of having them downloaded. Education on this basis, then, would be geared towards learning how to handle and process information - and, of course, there could be an app for that, too!

    2. Brings to mind the bit in the Matrix when Keanu announces 'I know Kung Fu'!

      Could we also have an app that stops us voting stupidly? ;)

      So sounds like you're looking at the dawn of a super-race of human/computer hybrids. Definitely worth a TV series.

      Obviously your story is humorous, but it does have interesting ethical implications... if you could modify other people's (or your own) brains/minds in order to remove undesirable behaviour, should you? Is this a million miles away from what some drugs and medications already do, or maybe some kinds of neurosurgery (lobotomy)?

      My not-very-thought-through answer would be that no medication or surgery (or app) can really change a person's fundamental character, if such a thing actually exists...

    3. The Matrix clip you reference certainly influenced this post to an extent, and that's why it's possible the education might end up being about the processing of information rather than the attainment of it. Quite whether processing is the same as developing wisdom is another thing!

      It's interesting what you say about character. It may well be that no medication, etc., could alter a person's fundamental character - but could it alter the public expression of it? And if that expression is all others see, then, for all intents and purposes, wouldn't one's character actually have been changed?

      And, of course, behaviour modification isn't a new issue - I presume you've read A Clockwork Orange . . .

    4. I'm ashamed to say that I've neither read nor seen 'A Clockwork Orange'... mea culpa...

      I don't know about character... there's an argument from the Behavioural Therapy side of things that changing our outward public behaviour may in the end be able to modify our internal nature, so maybe it could work. But I'm not sure it's all that important what others see if it doesn't truly accord with 'what lies beneath'...

      These are deep and murky waters though and link in with all the endless debates over distinctions between temperament, personality and character, and whether there's such a thing as a fixed identity that we can call our own; and the nature/nurture debate and whether we can change who we are through modifying behaviour... and indeed what the source or essence of our person-hood really is...

    5. ...and of course the voice narrating your xp8 sales-pitch is quite an enigmatic one - is it a divine messenger sent to offer us an easier route to sanctification and sinlessness, or is it a demonic tempter offering a shortcut that defeats God's purposes of the long, slow, difficult path of ordinary discipleship?

      And would that mean that any shortcut is inherently bad, and that the harder way is always the better way? Should we in fact abandon all technology as the devil's snare, or can it assist in overcoming the inherent flaws in nature?

      I do wish you wouldn't get me thinking when I'm supposed to be working... ;)

    6. I think many of us could do with an app to help us not to get so distracted!

      Strangely enough, I envisaged the speaker as a megachurch pastor. I didn't want to make it obvious, but that's what I envisaged; a kind of cross between Steve Jobs and someone you'd hear on Premier Radio.

      As to your questions: I don't know! But if the scenario I've presented should ever come about, would it really end sin - or would new kinds just arise?

      There's a Grove booklet on transhumanism you might find interesting . . .